ShoutLaughLove: frayed

the other day, my stove caught fire.  i don't know what was in the burner, but i turned it on to cook eggs, and flames blazed eight inches high.  thankfully, i keep baking soda all over my house and smothered it fast, but it was still unsettling.

if i'm being honest, my anger flares just as quickly and often leaves as big a mess.

things that ought to be minor annoyances set me off fast:  i stub my toe.  there are no baby wipes.  he's crying.  she's whining.  jim is still not home.

i curse like a trucker in my head.

my edges fray.  sometime it feels like i might completely unravel with the tiniest tug of a thread.

i am impatient.  i yell, and my heart breaks.  i don't want to be an angry mom.

i apologize:  "i am sorry for yelling, dylan.  mommy shouldn't have yelled."

mere words often fall flat.

dylan is testing us with defiance right now.  it's a battle, and a lot of days, it feels like she's winning.  she's always so quick to apologize:  "sorry mommy!"  but they're just words.

i tell her, "i don't want to hear that you're sorry again.  i want you to stop disobeying!"

the refrain makes little impression on my two year-old, but they cut to my own heart. 

how repentant am i really if i continue responding in anger?
"My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this:  Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because our anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires."  James 1:19-20
my anger is not producing the righteousness that God desires.  that i desire.  O Lord, how i long for righteousness!

yet, still i shy away from His throne.  like eve, i hide from His presence.  i try to manage my sin on my own, fail miserably, and feel even more broken and frayed.

but God calls me near again.  i hear His voice.  i come.  i listen.

i remember the promises:

i am His delight.  i am a new creation.  i am God's workmanship.  i am forgiven.

and slowly, i am being transformed.

image credit 

have a story to share of life along the journey?  read more about the idea behind ShoutLaughLove here, and link up a post every tuesday.

so much shouting, so much laughter


bethany said...

this almost left me in tears. i love this and i am the same way. i hate how quickly i become angry over silly things (and curse like a sailor in my head!). i needed to hear this. thanks, zan. may we be refined!

Mommy Emily said...

is it okay to link here as well as to chatting at the sky.... i hope so! i love this idea suzannah. beautiful.

Dad said...

Suzannah (and Bethany), in our fallenness, if our propensity to be easily angered and act it out is passed on genetically, then undoubtably you inherited that trait from your earthly father.

Lara G Williams said...

Thanks for your vulnerability. We all have our places of being "in process." I so often hear my words spoken in reprimand to my kids and know they are really for me. Yikes. Talk about convicting.

Sarah Bessey said...

How true, oh so true. Thank you for sharing this. So lovely to "meet" you, new friend.

Karen said...

I always thought I was an exceptionally patient person...until I had children of my own. And, the thing is, working with young children had been my vocation for years & years before I became a mother.

You described so perfectly my own thoughts & struggles. "I don't want to be an angry mom". I hear ya!

But, God's grace is there time after time. I'm so glad.

I've been reading your blog for a couple weeks now. This post really seals the deal so to say. Your blog is one that I will make part of my regular reads.

Dorothy said...

Oh man, I can totally relate to this. Like Dylan, Liam is constantly testing me, and is outright defiant most of the time. I'm struggling to find the right balance between punishment and grace...

God is so much bigger, and so much better, at this parenting thing. And has plenty of Grace for us and our kids... Thank you for such beautiful words.

Marla Taviano said...

I really, really, really get this.

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